


Now that I have your attention... 🤦🤷

by kiranerys42



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Based on Real Events, Dick Pics, Gen, Humor, I know it's tagged Steve/Tony but that's entirely wishful thinking on Tony's part, M/M, not quite crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiranerys42/pseuds/kiranerys42
Summary: Tony had imagined at least fourteen different ways he could get in Steve’s pants. But somehow, Tony hadn’t accounted for the option where Steve shares his dick with theentire internet.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 27
Kudos: 82





	Now that I have your attention... 🤦🤷

**Author's Note:**

> Look. This had to be done. So I did it. You're welcome/I'm sorry?
> 
> Thank you to midnightstreet for helping me fill in a few brackets, and come up with a title. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd and barely proofread, so all mistakes are my own.

Tony couldn’t believe his luck. He’d been trying to figure out a way to get a glimpse at what Steve had in his pants for _years_ —well, maybe not years; Steve only came out of the ice six months ago. But Tony had put _at least_ several years’ worth of thought and effort into it over those past six months. He had schemes. Strategies. Contingency plans. He’d been considering making a goddamn _flowchart_ , but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring JARVIS in on it just yet, and no way was he going make a flowchart _himself_.

The point is, Tony had imagined at least fourteen different ways he could get in Steve’s pants. Ideally, he’d prefer one of the five options that resulted in an… interactive experience, but he’d be happy with one of the nine visual-only options, too. Tony absolutely wants to touch, but if he can’t do that, he at least wants to _see_. 

Somehow, Tony hadn’t accounted for the option where Steve shares his dick with the _entire internet._

“Steve! Hello. Good morning. Great to see you. How are you feeling today?” Tony tried not to look too delighted as he entered the conference room for their Monday morning team meeting, but he couldn’t help it if he had more of a bounce in his step than usual.

“Hi, Tony. I’m doing well. Did you have some extra coffee this morning? You’re awfully chipper.” Steve raised his perfect eyebrows and blinked his perfect blue eyes. God, Tony almost wanted to punch him in his perfect face, but today, Tony was more preoccupied with other parts of Steve’s body. Which were also, apparently, perfect. Was any of that man’s body _not_ perfect? _Maybe he has, like, a weird toe or something_.

Tony blinked a few times to clear his head, then dragged a chair over to Steve. He spun the chair around and sat on it backwards, resting an arm on the back of the chair in his best impression of a Captain America PSA.

“So,” Tony said, then immediately had to clear his throat and try again, because—this was too good. He needed to get it _exactly right_. “So you accidentally tweeted a picture of your dick—”

“Tony—”

“You screwed up! You’re an old man, you can’t be expected to know about things like information security—”

“ _Tony_ —”

“Who set you up with that Twitter account, anyway? Because letting an octogenarian like yourself have access to social media seems like a very bad idea—”

“Natasha helped me, but I’m perfectly capable of setting up my own—”

“ _Anyway_!” Tony nearly shouted, and they finally stopped talking over each other. After a moment of staring at each other in silence—Steve glaring, Tony giving what he hoped was his most pleasant smile—Steve gave in and gestured for Tony to go on. “So, you had a nude photo leaked on the internet. Luckily, that’s a situation I’m uniquely prepared to help you with.”

“I don’t need your help,” Steve said through gritted teeth. 

“That’s a fair point,” Tony said. “I’ve never leaked any of my _own_ nudes. You may need someone to help you with the fundamentals; you know, prevention, making sure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again. But! If it’s crisis management you need? Then I’m your man. For instance, there was that one time when the Post got ahold of photos of me—”

“I thought I told you to stop sharing that story in mixed company,” Natasha said as she strolled through the door and sat down across from Steve. 

“Then you should leave, so I can finish telling it,” Tony snapped.

“No one’s leaving,” Nick said, taking a seat at the head of the table, “because it’s time for our meeting. Where’s—”

“I’m here! I’m here, I just—” Bruce rushed through the door, breathing hard. He took a moment to catch his breath as he took a seat next to Natasha, then continued, “Sorry, I was—”

Bruce cut off again as Clint dropped down from the ceiling onto the middle of the table.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Tony said, “how long have you been _up_ there?”

“Long enough.” Clint hopped off the table and took the chair next to Steve. “Hey Steve, sorry about what happened,” he said. “Nice pic, though.”

“Um—thanks,” Steve replied, and Tony could swear he was blushing.

“Alright, now that we’re all here and seated in chairs like _functional adults_ ,” Nick said, glaring at Tony, who responded by draping his other arm across the back of the chair, “let’s talk about the elephant in the room.”

“Okay, it was _big_ , but I’m not sure I’d compare it to a—”

“ _Steve_ ,” Nick said, “what you did was reckless, sloppy—”

“Hey, maybe he _likes_ it sloppy—”

“And showed complete disregard for the professionalism of the Avengers as a team,” Nick continued more loudly, pointedly ignoring Tony’s interjection. “It is also counter to the image S.H.I.E.L.D. has worked very hard to cultivate for you.”

Steve nodded solemnly. “I understand. I’m very sorry for my lapse in judgment.”

“Oh, come _on_ , it’s not _that_ big of a deal—well, I mean, it’s _big_ ; it’s just not a big _deal_ —”

“I’ve scheduled you a series of meetings with Deputy Director Hill,” Nick nearly shouted, “who will be training you in best social media practices and information security.”

“Hmph,” Tony sighed. He’s not sure what Maria could teach Steve that Tony couldn’t _also_ teach him.

“Thank you,” Steve said, and he sounded like he _actually meant it_ ; what was _wrong_ with that man? “I appreciate—”

“Hold on,” Bruce interrupted. “Why are we—this is ridiculous. Steve, are you _okay_?”

“Um—yeah? I’m… fine.”

“Because,” Bruce continued, “even though you’re the one who—well. It’s still a violation, you know? For everyone to see something private like that. You’re allowed to feel upset.” 

“Okay,” Steve said slowly. “But really—I’m fine.”

“Steve,” Natasha said, and Tony didn’t like this _at all_ ; the mood in the room was too serious, and Natasha almost sounded like she was expressing genuine emotion. It made him deeply uncomfortable. “Bruce is right. The whole world saw your—” Natasha cleared her throat.

“I never said it was mine,” Steve said, and Tony’s brain nearly broke, because for the second time this morning, he had to completely rearrange everything he’d ever thought about Steve. 

Apparently, Steve wasn’t just a person who had a dick pic on his phone. Steve was a person who potentially had pics of _other people’s dicks_ on his phone. 

By the time Tony was aware of his surroundings again, everyone had moved on to another topic. Something boring about—Tony doesn’t know, really. He doesn’t care.

“Steve,” Tony said, interrupting whatever boring words were currently coming out of Fury’s mouth. “Are you saying you accidentally tweeted a picture of _someone else’s dick_? But—then—” Tony sputtered. He’d given up on trying to be smooth. He needed _answers_. “Whose dick is it? Is it Chris Hemsworth? Because—” 

“That’s it! Get out!” Nick pointed at the door. “Can someone else fill Stark in on all of this later?”

“Sure thing,” Steve said, and next thing Tony knew, Steve had grabbed him with those perfect arms and marched him to the door and used his super-soldier muscles and perfectly shaped body to shove Tony out into the hallway.

“Is this really necessary, or—”

“We’ll talk later,” Steve said, closing the door in Tony’s face.

“Well,” Tony said to the closed door. “That didn’t go how I expected it to.”

With a sigh, Tony turned around, leaned back against the door, and slumped down to the ground. He sat there with his head in his hands for a few moments, contemplating his options.

Then, he remembered that he could talk to JARVIS in this hallway.

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, sir?”

“I need you to make a flowchart.”


End file.
